A Garden and A Fig Tree
Pursuing the Artist’s Dream. Identity. Purpose. Determination.
— With 35mm Film Photos
shot in Sintra & Lisbon, 2018
Saturday 25th of April 2020.
COVID19 Self-Isolation Day #43.
State of Emergency Day #37.
The “urban adventures” of the last two weeks were not about photos. I’ve noticed that when I feel down, tired, or insecure, I tend to avoid embarking on any photo-focussed excursions.
It is possible that I am afraid those pictures won’t be good and could lower my already compromised self esteem. A more likely reason for this resistance, I think, is introversion. As I mentioned before, since taking pictures is my way of communicating with “you” and the world, in moments of tiredness and insecurity, I turn inwards and want to spend time alone with myself — and my depressing thoughts.
… just because you're having a bad day
doesn't mean the sun is less grandiose
or the planets will stop orbiting it ...
I used to think that this was what it meant to be kind and patient with oneself… to wallow in drama and sadness, alone. As it turns out though, it doesn't really have to be about wallowing or greek tragedy: one can be patient and kind with oneself without indulging in negativity.
Yes, you do need to spend time with yourself, but you also need to find that loving and positive friend in you that doesn't let you think the world is shit just because you're having a bad day. Just because someone has done you wrong doesn't mean the sun is less grandiose or the planets will stop orbiting it...
I have always found comfort in looking up.
Up to the trees and up to the sky.
It gives me a sense of relief
and space – and maybe perspective
Today in the woods, I thought I have always found comfort in looking up. Up to the trees and up to the sky. It gives me a sense of relief and space – and maybe perspective. It makes me feel small… and makes my problems seem small too!
They are small in comparison to the world, quite obviously, but they are also small in comparison to a lifetime, my lifetime by resizing ourselves, our problems and their impact on our life and on the world around us, we are then ready to face them with strength and the right amount of logical thinking.
Looking up also reminds me that, on many of the occasions in which I felt like I was failing miserably, I wasn’t really doing what I wanted....
Searching for office jobs, and even remote office jobs, makes me feel like I am fruit fly: rushing in amongst thousands of other fruit flies, like me, wanting the same thing, and then ... well, then you die. You are in fact a fruit fly, how long do you think you have on this planet? To save the Googling: 40 to 50 days. The thing is, an office job is not what I want. Why rush so hard to get one? And feel so bad for not getting one? Why feel unworthy of something I don’t even wish for myself?
As a teenager my mum often “encouraged” me to be more determined, to look out for opportunities, to be more outgoing, and self confident. She often expressed her “worries” about the fact that I did not seem to know what I wanted.
Praktika Pentacon 50mm ƒ1:1.8 Colour Film 100 ISO Lisbon Portugal
… even then I knew what I wanted,
I just did not think it was possible, that I could do it,
and if I had been more determined,
and believed in myself
I could have found a way.
Maybe even then I knew what I wanted, I just did not think it was possible, that I could do it.
The thing my mum was right about was determination. With more determination I would have maybe gone to that photography school in Milan instead of searching for a full time job. Once I found out the school was expensive I just stopped there … determination and confidence would have maybe led me to ask for help, to my mum or to find a part time job that would give me time and money to pay the school. In other words, if I had been more determined, and believed in myself I could have found a way.
I admire my mother as a woman,
at the same time I also had to accept
that I am not like her
and I can’t compare myself to her
I admire my mother as a woman, for fighting and succeeding in finding her place in a man's world and I could have learnt from her determination. At the same time I also had to accept that I am not like her and I can’t compare myself to her way of reaching success, or her war of seeing success at all. I’m not generally outgoing and I find it hard to look out actively for opportunities, I’ve never considered myself a creative person, until more recently.
I’ve never had what my mum, and a certain part of our society, consider high aspirations in areas like money, power, social recognition. Well except for that short amount of time when I wanted to be Lorella Cuccarini (famous Italian TV soubrette in the 90s) and get lots of social recognition for my dancing-singing-acting-presenting skills … and my long legs. And all the times I tried to find purpose in these things it just didn't work for me.
I do have high aspirations.
I aspire to be authentic, being truly creative,
sharing my art and my ideas with the world
knowing that they speak to someone,
and so many other things...
And yet — I know now — I do have high aspirations. I aspire to be authentic to myself, help others with the things I am good at, building a consulting business that adds value to the world, being truly creative, sharing my art and my ideas with the world knowing that they speak to someone, build a beautiful house with David, create an oasis of peace here in Portugal, be a good friend, a good human being, maybe one day a good adoptive parent, stick with women, cultivate my well being and my spirituality, enjoy life, eat well, grow food, and so many other things...
I know all this now and nonetheless, I often fall back into uncertainty and find myself lost in what I think society sees as ambitious: I am not working hard enough, I don't earn enough money and ultimately, I am not ambitious enough. So I end up searching frantically for jobs I don't really want, putting aside my photography and consulting business dreams. And again feel the dread, the anxiety … the failure to be true to myself.
But eventually I come back to myself. I look up at the trees and the sky. Sitting on this hill, looking at all this beauty and abundance, I feel confident anything is possible if I believe in myself and remember that my dreams are worthy of being pursued.
… the trees and the bird song
remind me of my grandfather
who taught me about
the beauty of the small things …
The trees and the bird song remind me of my grandfather who taught me about the beauty of the small things and how to be content. Just like he said: “give me a garden and a fig tree, a camera and some good books and I’ll be happy.”
Newsletter subscription available! If you want to receive updates on my blog and what I’ve been up to. Stay also tuned on Facebook and Instagram.